Dialogs From Nowhere

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Sometimes people talk in my head. They don't talk to me personally, but I like to transcribe the things they are saying, number them and post them on the Internet. This is one of the reasons I cannot be employed in any job that requires close contact with children.

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#60
"Mind if I ask you what you're reading?"
"What makes you think I want to talk to you?"
"I was just trying to be nice."
"Someone like you talking to me isn't nice. Mind your own business."
"I do apologize I didn't notice the invisible line marking our social boundaries."
"I told you..."
"I mean, it should be obvious. You're an attractive woman and I'm just some average guy trying to make conversation. What right do I have to enter your presence at all and assume that we can interact in a basic civilized fashion?"
"You know..."
"Do you mind if I prostrate myself before you to compensate for my grievous error?"
"Well, it would be a start."
"I have a cat o' nine tails in my bag. I could flagellate myself as well."
"That would be great. Could you chant laments while you do it? My iPod ran out of juice."

#59
"I want to make passionate love to you."
"..."
"What do you think of that?"
"..."
"I knew you would."
"Hey, Bob?"
"Hmm?"
"Who are you talking to?"
"No one. None of your business."
"What are you holding there?"
"Nothing."
"Don't tell me your going to fuck that tub of Country Crock again."
"Okay."

#58
"Have you read the new..."
"No."
"You didn't let me finish."
"No."
"You aren't even list..."
"No."
"God, you are such a..."
"No."
"I don't know why I talk to..."
"No."
"I'm leaving."
"No."
"..."
"No."
"..."
"No."
"..."
"No."

#57
"Have you heard the latest album from LCD Soundsystem?"
"I haven't heard anything, as I am deaf."
"Your lameness is thus confirmed. I am obviously your superior."

#56
"Those tight pants do wonders for your indie-rock credibility."
"Thank you. I put the ragged holes in them myself."
"I imagine you subscribe to the Kill Rock Stars mailing list."
"Indubitably."

#55
"I am a poet."
"How can you say that when you only write free verse and don't understand the basic principles of meter or rhyme?"
"I can say it because I write poetry."
"Just because you can nail two pieces of wood together doesn't make you a carpenter."
"Interesting analogy. I still disagree."
"Just because you can pump gas doesn't make you a mechanic."
"I get your point."
"Just because you can open a bottle of aspirin doesn't mean you're a doctor."
"I get it, alright?"
"Just because you killed a couple of chicks who looked alike doesn't mean you're a serial killer."
"Uh..."
"Just because you once ate a human kidney doesn't mean you're a cannibal."
"Dude, really..."
"Just because she said no a few times doesn't mean you raped your cousin in the eighth grade."
"Jesus."
"I'm just sayin'."

#54
"Are you registered to vote?"
"No. Voting is against my principles."
"Is allowing an administration to take power that will stomp over your civil liberties and grind the poor into cannon fodder more in line with your principles?"
"Is being a smug little shit who is so deluded as to think that he can effect change in a highly corrupt political process more in line with yours?"
"Yes, actually, it is."
"Oh."
"But at least I can say I made an effort."
"It ain't rape if you don't struggle."
"What?"

#53
"Hey, can you dig it?"
"Dig what?"
"It. Can you dig it?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Well, if you don't know what it is, you can't dig it."
"Ah, I see. Hippie logic. How interesting. May I recommend you double-check your stash? I think you might have accidentally smoked a bowl of retarded."

#52
"I've got a suggestion for you: It's called 'deodorant'."
"And I've got a suggestion for you: It's called if you are going to dress like a hooker, at least try dressing like a hooker who doesn't suffer from an eating disorder."
"Yeah, well..."
"Maybe you could wear something that accentuates your herpes sores. If they're going to be surrounding your anus anyway, you might as well put them to some good use."
"I don't need to take this from you."
"Better than the other way around. The only thing I could possibly take from you would be gonorrhea."
"You're an asshole."
"At least I don't have a biohazard sing over my genitals."

#51
"What are you wearing?"
"Something naughty. And a sombrero."
"Sexy. Where are you?"
"Poland."
"I'm rubbing my hands down your back."
"Mind the rash."
"You like that, don't you?"
"I'm ambivalent."
"Now what are you doing?"
"I just poked you in the belly button."
"That feels nice."
"You have an 'inny'."
"I bet you like that."
"Better than the alternative."
"I'm unzipping my fly."
"Nice Spider-Man jockeys."
"My pants are around my ankles."
"My sombrero is at full attention."
"Is this making you hot?"
"My jowls are trembling."
"What are you doing?"
"Contemplating whether or not I should paint over the pirate fresco on my ceiling."
"Sounds sexy."
"Pirates are nice and all, but I think a mural showing the great moments in zombie cinema would be more in suite with my interior design scheme."
"Are you touching yourself?"
"As much as the oven mitts will allow."

#50
"Who killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel?"
"Raymond Burr."
"Good. Who ruled Spain after the Spanish Civil War?"
"Which one?"
"The other one."
"I did."
"Good. Who signed the Magna Carta?"
"Jesus."
"Which one?"
"The fake one."
"Good. Give three results of the American Civil War."
"Ghost pirates, Led Zeppelin reunion tour and Oscar Wilde being a homo."
"Excellent. Which city was the first capitol of the United States?"
"This rash on my left armpit."
"And?"
"Benjamin Disraeli."
"Good. Who signed the Emancipation Proclamation?"
"I did."
"And you are?"
"Ronnie James Dio."
"And when did you sign it?"
"Next Thursday."
"Very good."

#49
"Would you like to go out sometime?"
"Actually, I'm a lesbian."
"When did this happen? You've gone out with dozens of men."
"Well, I'm not a lesbian for everyone. Just you."

#48
"How do you like these jeans on me?"
"I've always believed that fashion is nothing more than a why to disguise your deficiencies as a human being."
"Yeah, but do they make my hips look chubby?"

#47
"Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get for you?"
"I would like to do horrid things to your body."
"Will that be the Sumatra or the French roast?"
"Your visage will forever haunt the darkest recesses of my imagination. Your face will appear in my most shameful and twisted sexual fantasies."
"Room for cream?"
"No, thank you. Whore."

#46
"I think the world would be a much better place if we all said what we were thinking and didn't keep any secrets from each other. Things would be so much simpler and healthier."
"Last Thanksgiving I paid your mom to suck off your family dog while I videotaped it for my porn site."
"I'LL KILL YOU!"

#45
"I believe very strongly in using only sustainable resources and leaving as small of a carbon footprint as possible."
"I understand your position and agree with your environmental practices, yet for some reason I have this wicked urge to punch you right in the goddamned mouth."
"I drive a Prius."
"I want you dead."

#44
"Could you file this for me?"
"Yes."
"..."
"..."
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"Are you going to do it?"
"Oh, sure."
"..."
"..."
"You're still not doing anything?"
"Hmm?"
"You're just sitting there playing "Minesweeper" and ignoring the thing I asked you to file."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"You're sorry but you're still not doing anything."
"Terribly sorry."
"You're an asshole."
"Bitchtitssayswhat."
"What?"
"Ha!"
"HI-KEEBA!"

#43
"I want you to eat your peas."
"You're not my mother."
"That doesn't mean peas aren't good for you."
"I don't have any peas. I'm eating a hamburger."
"You're going to die."

#42
"I'm really into jazz."
"So?"
"You're supposed to feign interest and inquire into my reasons for the preference, with a possible digression concerning your own musical tastes."
"Why?"
"Because that's how the normal stream of polite conversation works. Without it, human communication would be an anarchic kill floor of surrealistic non-sequiturs, shouting and profanity. So ask me why I like jazz you asshole BEFORE I POP YOU IN THE FUCKING MOUTH!"
"Midgets live in my colon."

#41
"I'm going out."
"You know, Dalmatians have a genetic quirk that causes their urine to be very acidic, causing it to kill lawn grass faster than most retail chemicals."
"Why did you just tell me that?"
"I thought you would be interested."
"You thought I would be interested in the acidic properties of a dog's pee?"
"Who wouldn't be?"

#40
"You swear too much."
"I've never sworn in my life."
"Lying fuck."

#39
"I AM THE PHYSICAL INCARNATION OF DEATH!"
"It's a pleasure to meet you. Would you like a cup of coffee?"
"THAT WOULD BE NICE! THANK YOU!"
"How do you like it?"
"AS BLACK AS THE DEEPEST CAVERNS OF HELL!"
"Sugar?"
"NO THANK YOU!"

#38
"How can you claim there is a god without proof?"
"Because I feel it. Belief in a higher power is an act of faith, not reason."
"But you allow this faith in an intangible to govern your entire existence. Without evidence, this belief is not only irrational but a denial of the observable world, hence a denial of your own senses."
"You have no more evidence that god does not exist than I do that he does. Yet you take it for fact, which is an act of faith. Your belief is therefore no more rational than mine."
"That's a logical fallacy. You're asking me to argue a negative."
"I think I've gone blind."
"Hmm. So have I."
"DEAR GOD I CAN SEE INFINITY SWALLOWING ME WHOLE!"
"LIFE IS A MEANINGLESS VOID!"

#37
"I sometimes suspect that reality is nothing more than the psychotic dream of an insane god."
"Why do you think that, mouseface?"
"Maybe because that lamppost keeps telling me so in its deep baritone voice."
"This is not my pig sandwich."
"Pumpkin pumpkin pumpkin."

#36
"I'm going to set myself on fire in protest."
"Of what?"
"You."

#35
"I have an important message for you."
"Does it concern my home mortgage rate?"
"Yes, it does."
"How exciting."
"I know, it sounds too good to be true."
"It certainly does."

#34
"I think I might have leprosy."
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"No."
"Then how do you know you have leprosy?"
"One of my fingers fell off."
"When?"
"Last night, while I was asleep."
"No, that was me. I did that."
"Oh. Thank God, I was worried there for a second."

#33
"This is the worst film I've ever seen."
"This isn't a theater. It's a fish processing plant."
"I want my money back."
"No refunds."

#32
"Do you believe that people are inherently good or inherently evil?"
"I think that morality is a social construct and that human nature is developed within each individual based on a combination of environmental conditioning and genetic disposition."
"Could you repeat your answer now that I have just kicked you in the nuts?"
"..."
"Well?"
"Just because you're a prick doesn't mean my point is invalid."

#31
"Do you have any plans for tonight?
"Fantastic!"
"That didn't make any sense."
"Good to hear it!"

#30
"I've been thinking a lot about our relationship."
"Behold! My most diabolical creation!"
"Are you even listening to me?"
"With my race of piranha monkeys I will bring an eternity of darkness to those who oppose me!"
"I'm leaving you and I'm taking the kids. You'll hear from my lawyers."
"Pitiful mortal! Your lawyers are no match for my atomic gorillas!"

#29
"So what are you doing this weekend?"
"I'm going to escape by constructing a crude raft from vines and bamboo."
"Getting plastered again?"
"Only until the snakes get OUT OF MY EYES!"

#28
"Do you think we might have resorted to cannibalism a little early?"
"You do what you have to do to survive."
"Well, I mean, we were only trapped in the elevator for like twenty minutes."
"Are you saying you weren't hungry?"
"No. Just that it might not have been necessary to devour Walt five minutes into the ordeal."
"Okay, I'll grant that. Provided you admit that Walt was delicious."

#27
"The toaster's broken."
"That's the cat, not the toaster."
"No wonder it started choking to death when I shoved it full of bread."

#26
"I hope you're feeling better."
"Why do you say that?"
"Is it wrong for one human being to express concern about the welfare of another?"
"It is a little peculiar, especially since you were the one who held me down and forced a quart of house paint down my throat."
"Oh. That."
"So you can understand why I find your sudden concern for my wellbeing to be a tad confounding."
"I did say that I was sorry."
"It doesn't count as an apology if you are stomping on my genitals with a steel-toed boot while saying it."
"Well aren't you just an ungrateful little shit?"

#25
"So how are things?"
"Today, I am a Flemish glassblower."
"That's a little esoteric."
"I cannot hear you, for my head has turned into a pumpkin."

#24
"So I had this really weird dream last night."
"Listening to people talk about their dreams is the most boring activity imaginable."
"You see, I was out in the desert..."
"Stop it, please."
"...and I was wearing this kilt. And a turban. That's important, I think."
"I'll have you know that I am not above resorting to violence if it means shutting you up."
"And Ryan Seacrest is like my guide out in the desert. Don't ask me why Ryan Seacrest, I don't even watch "American Idol," but he's like showing me the way through the desert, and we're eating cactus to stay hydrated, because you know cactus has water in it."
"I know martial arts. I can collapse a man's windpipe with a single blow."
"So we come to this temple in the middle of the desert and Ryan Seacrest points to it and says that I need to go in to face my evil twin and then he says to me "the Turban will guide you," only you know by this point he had turned into Diane Keaton..."
"HI-KEEBA!"

#23
"You know, I once won a bet by drinking my own urine for a week."
"That's disgusting. What did you win?"
"I got to drink my own urine for a week. What else could anyone possibly want?"
"What are you doing in my bedroom anyway?"

#22
"Did you know if you inhale or ingest strychnine it will cause every muscle in your body to contract, eventually asphyxiating you?"
"Interesting."
"Assuming you don't die from exhaustion from the constant, painful convulsions."
"Hmm."
"So put that in your pipe and smoke it."
"Um..."
"Because I want you dead."
"I..."
"And I want it to hurt."

#21
"I love you."
"How can you love me? You don't even know me."
"WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS TEST MY LOVE?!"
"But..."
"LOVE KILLER! WHY DON'T YOU JUST RIP OUT MY HEART AND EAT IT, YOU WHORE!"

#20
"I fucking hate you."
"How can you hate me? You don't even know me."
"Yes I do. You're my grandmother."
"Well suck on it, bitch, I don't like you much either."

#19
"I fucking hate you."
"How can you hate me? You don't even know me."
"Inconsequential. You look like a dick."
"That's not a nice thing to say."
"Shut your noise tube, asshat."

#18
"The reason we asked you to come down here, Mrs. Johnson, is that we have some concerns about Bobby's behavior in class."
"How so?"
"It seems that Bobby has been using a lot of inappropriate language recently."
"You mean he's been speaking in Spanish again?"
"No...No, not that."
"Good. I hate it when he starts pulling that kind of shit."
"Um. Well, what I mean is that Bobby has been using a lot of dirty words in class."
"So you're telling me he's been fuckin' swearing again."
"Uh, yes. I guess I am."
"That little shit."
"Listen, maybe..."
"I warned him that he ever swore again I'd knock his fucking teeth down his throat, the snotty little bastard."
"I think that if..."
"Take a steak knife to his testicles, that'll teach him to mouth off to his own mother."
"Oh dear."
"I'm glad you brought this to my attention Ms. Emerson. I've been looking for an excuse to rip that cocksucker a new asshole. Teach him to call me a dried-up old cunt in front of the whole congregation."
"Dear me."

#17
"Hey Bob, how are you doing?"
"Menstrual AIDS."
"Sounds good. Say, have you seen the front section of the Times around here anywhere?"
"Fecal matter abortion bitch tits."
"Yeah, I've been looking all over the place for it. I just can't seem to find the darned thing."
"Diarrhea child molester."
"By the way, how's work coming along on that old pick-up of yours? Get it running yet?"
"Piss rape ass fuck vomit eater. Shit fucker incest."
"Well, maybe you can get more done when the weather turns better."
"Cock fart."

#16
"Are you stalking me?"
"No."
"You've been following me around all day."
"Coincidence."
"Could you stop following me, please?"
"Why don't you stop going to all the places I plan to be before I get to them?"
"Why don't you tell me where you plan to be and I'll be sure not to go there."
"Well, I was planning to be outside your bedroom window this evening with a bottle of KY and a machete, but I suppose you're going to have some kind of crazy objection to that as well."

#15
"Thank you for calling customer service. How may I help you today?"
"Yes, I was wondering..."
"How dare you!"
"Eh, what?"
"Speaking that kind of language. And to a lady! You ought to be ashamed."
"Listen, I just..."
"Why don't you just call back when you've got that potty mouth under control."
"But I..."
"Good day sir! (click) That's how I play. Teach you to fuck with customer service. Customer service ain't nothin' to fuck with!"

#14
"Do you know what I like about you? In fact, what I like about the whole canine species?"
"What's that?"
"Loyalty. You are very loyal creatures."
"Yeah, well, dog's gotta eat. Ain't going to do it to by being a bitch, hear?"
"Yep, you're a good dog."
"Hey, how about some belly scratchin' here, hombre? I've got some ass chewin' to take care of before sundown and you're holding me up. So let's bring on the scratch before I go take a dump on your favorite rug?"
"Good dog."
"Dipshit."

#13
"Where are you going with that basket full of human eyeballs?"
"Juggling lesson."
"Well, at least you have a hobby."

#12
"You really should wear a sweater when you go outside. It's pretty nippy today."
"You know what, mom? Stop fucking with me. I'm just sick as shit of all this goddamned meddling and if I have to put up with it any longer I am going to kick your fucking teeth out."
"That's nice dear. Speaking of which, did you brush your teeth this morning?"
"Fuck you, mom!"
"Yeah, well I got yours right here, fuck-o. You want some you go ahead and bring it on. Bitch."
"Holy shit!"

#11
"So what does this button do?"
"It will kill whoever touches it by causing their cellular structure to go haywire, basically turning your body into one giant cancer infection."
"Hmm."
"You're going to press it, aren't you?"
"Well, it's inevitable, isn't it?"
"Not really. I mean, you could just not... hmm. Guess not. Hey Jimmy! Go get the Scrubbin' Bubbles. Yeah, Bobby turned himself into cancer. Yeah, I told him. He just went ahead and did it anyway. I know, he was a dipshit, but now he's cancer and if you don't hurry up he's going to stain the carpet."

#10
"Pardon me sir, but do you mind if I take a minute of your time to tell you about the 7th Level Church of the Almighty Mega-Man?"
"I have no idea what you are talking about."
"We Megas believe in the divinity of the holy text brought down from on high and flared in incandescent light across a millions screens into the minds of the willing."
"So you started a church based on 'Mega Man'?"
"Tis true, heathen. Have you heard the word?"
"Well, I mean... I played the games when I was a kid, but basing a religion on it seems a little... "
"Many did view the holy texts yet did not recognize this divinity."
"...freaky. So, is this just you or are there other...members?"
"We are a small army, but our aspirations shine brightly."
"You know, this is nice and all, but I was really more of a 'Metroid' fan."
"Heretic! I use my scissor shot on you!"
"Those are just scissors."
"Smite the non-believer!"
"Go away."

#9
"So what are you doing?"
"Watching television."
"Where are your pants?"
"My what?"
"Pants."
"What are those?"
"You're kidding, right?"
"No. What are they, like a soup or something?"
"They're a type of clothing you wear over the area below your waist. Keeps you legs warm and hides your...private areas."
"Never heard of them."
"I saw you in a pair of Dockers yesterday."
"You must have been high. Too many paint fumes. You were having hallucinations."
"You were watching soft-core cable porn, weren't you?"
"You're no fun anymore."

#8
"Where are we?"
"On a page."
"What?"
"We're words on a page."
"Huh. So what should we do?"
"Sit here. Get read."
"Wow, there are more of us."
"Yep."
"What if we run out of room? What happens then?"
"Who knows?"
"Oh crap, even more of us."
"Hey, shut up!"
"Fuck you, I was here first."
"No you weren't. You just showed up."
"So did you, fucker."
"Bonjour."
"Hey, no foreigners allowed."
"Yeah, get off of our page, you fucking frog."
"Hey, no need for prejudice here."
"Listen, everyone just shut up. You're taking up all the space with this arguing."
"Hey, you took up more space than any of us, you ass."
"Just shut up! Everyone please, just shut up!"
"Shut up!"
"You to!"
"Oh shit."
"What?"
"The end."

#7
"I can really relate to M&M's."
"How so?"
"I don't know. It just sounded like something interesting to say. I have no way of backing it up."

#6
"Tell us what inspired your "Moonlight Sonata"."
"I'm not Beethoven."
"How does that make you feel?"
"I don't know. Very not-Beethovenish."
"This seems to trouble you."
"Not really."
"The first step to overcoming the issues that cause us pain in our lives is to admit that there is a problem. We must learn to accept our problems before we can learn to accept ourselves."
"I don't want to play anymore."
"Your refusal to accept assistance will only aggravate the issue."

#5
"Say something absurd."
"Wombat mucus."
"That wasn't very good."
"Your standards are too high."

#4
"Oh. Hey. I didn't know you were in here."
"Don't go spreading it around now that you do. I'm hiding."
"From what?"
"I'd rather not get into that."
"Okay...I just needed to get the window cleaner."
"Top shelf, off to the left."
"Thanks. Are you the janitor?"
"No. I work in accounting. Why would the janitor be crouching in the corner of the utility closet?"
"What?"
"Why would you assume I am the janitor just because I'm crouching in the corner of a utility closet?"
"Um. Not sure."
"Hmm."
"I'll just be going then."
"Kill the lights on your way out. And keep your mouth shut."

#3
"So is this food free?"
"That's not food. It's a stack of Styrofoam plates."
"Can I have some?"
"Um...sure."
"Mmm. Tasty."
"I can't believe you just ate that."
"Could use some paprika."
"Sir, I'm not sure what the medical consequences of eating Styrofoam are, but I'm sure it can't be good for your digestion."
"Do you make these pesto flavored?"
"No. That would be insane."
"Mind if I take another sample?"
"I would advise against it."
"Thanks."
"For legal reasons I'm verbally warning you that you should not be ingesting this product."
"Why? Not fully cooked?"
"Please go away."
"Hey, I'm going to check out the plastic fork display over there. You mind if I take a few more for the road?"
"As long as you promise not to sue me."
"Thanks."

#2
"I'm going out."
"That's impossible."
"How's that?"
"According to Zeno's paradox, it is impossible to ever leave a room, as one must first cross half the distance from where one stands to the exit, then half the distance from there, and so forth in increasingly smaller fractions. The exit is hence never attainable since the distance can always be split in half. Physical motion is hence impossible."
"Is this why you never get off the couch?"
"It might have something to do with it. Oh, can you pick me up a few beers at the store. We only have a few left and I predict that those will be gone soon."
"Sorry, can't go to the store. You see, my hand can never possibly reach my wallet to get my money out and hand it to the cashier to pay for your beer. What with traversing physical space being impossible and all."
"Foiled by my own hubris."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Here's a twenty."
"It must be some kind of miracle."
"Bring me back my change."

#1
"Here are your provisions, gentle stranger, and may death come swiftly to your enemies."
"Um, thanks. Can I get my change?"
"Oh, yeah. Here you go."
"Thanks. Have a good one.
"Your blessing is noble and gracious. You truly are a god among men."

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